• The Task: Turn Michael Cera – Canada’s greatest nerd export – into a Guido. The solution: Loads of hair gel, lots of bronzing, and the cast of “Jersey Shore.” The result: The greatest thing Michael Cera’s done since “Arrested Development.” Yeah, we called it.

• He’s asking about ‘Duke Nukem Forever,’ let me go ahead and tell you right now that I’m not allowed to talk about ‘Duke Nukem Forever.’ No, no, don’t be disappointed, read between the lines… why am I not allowed to talk about it?
• “Duke Nukem” voice actor Jon St. John • Speaking at some nerd convention last week about whether or not “Duke Nukem Forever” still has a pulse. As the game has been on the brink of release for over a decade, the fact that this bastard is attempting to give hope to gamers means that we hate him. Hope is something that should have died long ago, you freaking jerk! source

• A lot of rumors are going around about Jay Leno’s fate today. TMZ is reporting that Jay Leno – who we think is as funny as watching Dennis Miller analyze an NFL game – could get his old time slot back, at a severe cost to Conan O’Brien, who won the gig over five years ago, only to see NBC pull the trap door from under him with their Leno antics. So, how did we get here?

2004: Conan’s early confidence bet

• what? NBC, in a show of confidence for a guy they’d shown little love to in the ’90s, gives Conan O’Brien “The Tonight Show” slot – five years in advance.
• why? Because the last time they handed out “The Tonight Show” slot, they also screwed it up. Heir apparent David Letterman went to CBS. He still hates Leno.
• later … Later, Jimmy Fallon was tapped for the “Late Night” slot vacated by Conan. “Saturday Night Live” creator Lorne Michaels wanted him since ’04. source

November 2008: Uh, we’re not so sure …

• Jay’s new time Instead of ditching Leno like everyone expected, NBC announced months before the switch-over that they were keeping Leno on in a 10 p.m. slot, effectively stealing Conan O’Brien’s thunder.
• Why? Economics.A late-night talk show is cheaper to produce than a high-quality drama like “E.R.” or “Law and Order,” so NBC execs thought they could ride a wave of low ratings through the recession. source

September 2009: The reviews! The reviews!

• ‘The Jay Leno Show’ is of course not the ‘brand-new hour of comedy’ its promos claim; it is brand-old to the bone.
• Slate reviewer Troy Patterson • On Jay Leno’s first night. Like most reviewers, he disliked “The Jay Leno Show” due to the fact that it was exactly the same routine as his boring schtick on “The Tonight Show.” Leno got lucky, though, by grilling Kanye West immediately after his VMAs incident, which created pretty much the best moment on the show, ever. It was all downhill from there. source
  

Late 2009: That didn’t work out so well …

• 18 million viewers watched the first episode of “Leno”

• 53% the decline in Leno’s ratings on the fourth night – that was fast source
• 1.5 the ratings threshold Leno was given for the show to remain profitable
• 1.6 Leno’s average ratings since starting the show in September – which NBC execs expected

Late 2009: Residual effects

• D-F the grade local affiliates gave Leno as a lead-in to their local news broadcasts; it had a direct effect on their ratings source
• 47% drop in Conan’s ratings a month after Leno took over the 10 p.m. slot; he regularly gets trumped by Letterman now source

• Oh, and show-producers were pissed, too. One show in particular, “Southland,” nearly died as a result of “The Jay Leno Show,” due to the number of slots the show took up. (It later found a home on TNT, and goes back on the air this month.) Show creator John Wells, who also worked on “E.R.,” said at the time his show was canceled, “I wish NBC and Jay Leno well; personally, he’s a very nice guy, but I hope he falls flat on his face and we get five dramas back.” Ouch! (But we totally agree with him.) source

Early 2010: So, what’s next?

• olympics On February 1, the Winter Olympics hit NBC, completely blowing up their schedule and conveniently giving them a chance to give low-rated Leno a break.
• later? Word on the street is that Leno will be losing his spot and going after the local news; Conan would likely come after, then Fallon, and maybe Carson Daly at like 3 or so. source

• not doctor Megan Fox has been suggesting in recent interviews to drink vinegar to cleanse the system and lose weight. It sounds friggin’ stupid.
• doctor Dietician Lucy Jones: “The body, including the liver, is a well-oiled detoxing machine, which will not be improved by vinegar.” source

• I’m self-publishing this story because it had no other home. I wanted it to live in the world, not die in my notebook.
• Journalist Paige Williams • On her decision to create a long-form piece of journalism and, rather than let her story idea die without a magazine to publish her work, put it online herself. The story, “Finding Dolly Freed,” centers on the author of “Possum Living: How to Live Well Without a Job and with (Almost) No Money,” a well-known survivalism book from the 1970s (who, by the way, isn’t named Dolly Freed). Since she couldn’t get anyone interested in publishing it, she spent a lot of her own money trying to tell the story the way it should be told. How does she expect to pay for it? Using “Radiohead” journalism – that’s right, kids. Pay your own price. This is exciting. source

• He claims he pleaded guilty so his wife wasn’t deported. Oh Larry, we knew you wouldn’t let us down! In an interview to run on CNN Friday, the Balloon Boy’s father, Richard Heene, explains that he isn’t guilty but in fact was trying to protect his wife. Because he’s a douchebag. “Quite honestly,” said Larimer County, Colorado, Sheriff Jim Alderden, “I’m shocked that he would make such statements.” So are we. But he’s a reality TV wannabe. This is how he survives. source

• It’s not often that a single photo kills an entire career. But in the case of Gilbert Arenas, this photo of him joking around about the gun incident last month – after he was already on thin ice with both the NBA and the law for the incident in the first place – led to an epic indefinite suspension and created controversy around the photo itself. That’s a good photo.

How it screws up Gilbert’s career

• Wizards’ magic trick Arenas has been the franchise star of the Wizards for years, and he’s been something of a train wreck for most of them, partly due to his antics and history as a “jokester,” partly because he’s been injured for most of the last few years. Plus, they suck this season. He’s probably gone.
• Promises of pain NBA commissioner David Stern is a guy who doesn’t screw around and will bring pain onto stars he thinks deserve it (just ask Ron Artest). And when he suggests “or worse” in reference to an indefinite suspension, you know he’s freaking screwed. Don’t screw with David Stern.
• Career-ender?It’s too soon to tell whether the incident will completely screw up what had going with the NBA, but with promises of a trial and the fact that he had guns in Washington, D.C. (which has some of the strictest drug laws in the country), it might be. Or he might be Michael Vick. source

The situation with the photo

• snapped The photo was taken last night before a game. He was joking around with his teammates, making gun symbols with his fingers.
• snatched The next day, the NBA had Getty Images remove the photo from the wire for most of the day. The Washington Post nailed them. source

Gil’s tweets

• I know everybody seen the pre game pics..my teammate thought to break the tention we should do that..but this is gettn way to much
• Gilbert Arenas • Regarding the fate of his fingers, and the incredibly stupid reasoning behind them. Whichever teammate suggested that should be slapped, because he just cost Arenas a career. On a side note, does this guy know when not to tweet? Like, say, when you’re being investigated? source

• Bad advertising idea No. 1: “Stuck in a situation where you’re surrounded by black/West Indian people? Just offer them chicken and everything will be OK!” KFC, as you might guess, is getting a firestorm of controversy for this Australian ad. Ouch. source

• G we wonder why they wrote this article (hint: traffic) source