• 101,377 number of followers @ConanOBrien has – in just THREE HOURS; way to rally the troops, dude
• 30,061 number of followers @JayLeno has, which has been running since May and isn’t written by him

The pitch-perfect intro

• Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.
• Conan O’Brien • In his heavily-retweeted “Hello, World” to the Web. There was some question as to whether the account was initially real, but it now has a spankin’ “Verified Account” stamp on it. We wonder if this Twitter account is the suggestion of bigger things. You know, like a tour. source

• I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy.
• Bristol Palin • Regarding her choice to be on an upcoming episode of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” playing a teenage mom. No word on if the appearance will feature Tina Fey reprising her impersonation or if the dad’s gonna be as much of a douche as Levi Johnston, er, Ricky Hollywood. source

• This approach to convincing people to wear seat belts is a little art-damaged, but it’s definitely effective. Next time we’re riding in a car, we’re going to get a mom and daughter to wrap their arms around us. Just look at how effective they are in this living room!

• This nails our problem with “We Are the World 25.” It had a lot of rappers, but not much Huey Lewis. He could have brought the News with him! (Nice job, Jimmy Kimmel!)

• Word on the street is that this highly-promoted Fox game show, “Our Little Genius,” never made it to air because of an FCC complaint about the show. Apparently, the kids were getting fed answers to make them seem a lot smarter, which is totally not cool. More than anything, though, we’re sad that Kevin Pollack lost another gig. source

• His management has been trying to book a tour. One of the regulations Conan has on his contract is that he can’t show up on TV in any role besides an actor until September. But they didn’t say anything about showing up live! So, instead of sitting on the beach drinking mojitos for nine months, he decided that he’d rather be working. If this goes off, it’s gonna rule. Team Coco for life! source

• He grabs my shoulder .. and I just react BOOM get off me! He put a condor grip on me. What am I supposed to do?
• LMFAO rapper Sky Blu • Regarding the Mitt Romney airplane incident where Romney reportedly got attacked by someone on an airplane. That someone was reportedly Sky Blu. LMFAO, who sucks so much that they can be put into the same sentence as Cisco Adler, is a shit-hop group. Yeah, that’s right, we called it shit-hop. What are you gonna do about it? Anyway, here’s the video of them explaining exactly what they say happened. Sky Blu claims Romney, that conservative icon, drew first blood. We hope he did. LOL. source

• Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me. I’ve missed it. I love #(&#(@! with all my heart.
• “Tiger Woods” • In an alternate version of the statement as imagined by The Onion. The article, which is beyond dirty, describes dirty acts using golf terminology. Best part? The quote: “‘I’m so glad Tiger is coming back,’ said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. ‘He’s the best.'” source

• Everything we expected, and less. Tiger Woods’ airtight public relations machine wanted to make sure nothing fell apart in his statement, and, yeah, it didn’t. But we also learned that they’ve learned nothing from this situation and are treating it just like everything else since the scandal broke. Leave your boy airtight guys. Let’s see how much it helps his rep. Here’s a recap and analysis of what he said:

Key phrase from the statement

• I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.
• Tiger Woods • At the end of his public statement, which was perhaps the least-riveting piece of live TV we’ve ever seen. The lack of excitement on Woods’ face was visible – and then some. After he said this, he hugged his mom, who also looked very unhappy to be there. He didn’t veer off the script one bit.

Five things we learned from the statement:

• 1st The press has been stalking his wife and kids; that’s not nice, paparazzi!
• 2nd He could return to golf as soon as this year, but maybe not. It’s up in the air.
• 3rd He doesn’t plan to bring up his many mistresses by name, based on today.
• 4th Elin Nordegren didn’t hit him, apparently, as famously thought. He flatly denied it.
• 5th Tiger is still a Buddhist, but he fell away from his religion over the last few years.

Three things to take from this statement:

• Tiger’s PR still sucks This was such a controlled event that you could tell Woods would’ve snapped like a twig if he turned the wrong way. The lack of questions from the press is complete bull. His handlers are handling him way too tightly, leaving no room at all.
• nothing’s gonna change “These are issues between a husband and a wife.” Woods isn’t going to let go of his privacy after the mea culpa, which is a huge mistake on his part, because it means these questions will continue to dog him forever.
• Mobile mea culpa We watched this statement live from our iPhone using the CNN app and it allowed us to live-tweet the story with little trouble. Our society is in a great place if we can watch a man’s life fall apart live on a mobile phone. source