Politics: Dear Obama: We’re everything you need in a press secretary
- Look, now that Robert Gibbs is leaving you must be taking resumes or something. And before we go about submitting an application to the Obama/Biden beast (and spending hours upon hours updating our resume), we thought it might help to explain what you’d be getting if the ShortFormBlog staff took over the work of Mr. Professional himself, Robert “Obama’s bulldog” Gibbs. We can’t expect to be everything for you that he was, but we do have a lot of unique qualifications, including:
- We like complaining! We notice that your administration doesn’t know when to complain about the right’s withering attacks on your character, on your policies, on your place of birth, on how ugly Bo is, on how much money Michelle spent on that trip to Spain, etc., etc. … God, can you give us a break? This job is really hard and we’re trying to save you from yourselves!
- Blurby Press releases The Obama administration has had many PR innovations in its first two years in office – an open-source Web backend, a hugely-popular Twitter account, an entertaining Flickr account … but you’re missing something. You need press releases with giant numbers, profanity and myriad obscure pop-culture references. We can offer that.
- The press will be putty Look … between CNN, Fox News, NBC, the other networks … they’ll all ask really tough questions and we’ll evade them by using the Socratic method. Sample dialogue: Them – “Why was Obama golfing during the oil spill?” Us – “Why do you care? You’re annoying and nobody watches your channel anyway, CNN.” Yeah, we’re good.
- » So, what do you say, brah? We’re available to work immediately, and your organization could use someone like us. We’d make things interesting, because we know how drab the White House gets when there’s no change. We can be that change you promised, Barack.
